May 2009


You know that awkward silence you have with someone when you haven’t talked for awhile? You would THINK that you would have all sorts of things to talk about, but instead, you don’t know what’s going on in their life, so you don’t know what to ask them about. Plus – you don’t know what you’ve told them, and there’s this overwhelming sense of “I want to tell them about (such and such) but if I said that I’d have to explain that…and…*sigh*. Forget it.”

This is how I feel at the moment. When you blog consistently, you KNOW what to talk about. But now, I have no clue what to say.

I’m at my great-grandma’s, which is wonderful. She is THE BEST cook. I actually copied down a lot of her recipes last week, which is awesome to have.

OH. Still reading My Utmost for His Highest – this is the one for today (WONDERFUL AS ALWAYS):

The Delight of Despair

“And when I saw him, I fell at his feet as dead. And he laid his right hand upon me, saying unto me, Fear not; I am the first and the last:” Revelation 1:17

It may be that, like the apostle John, you know Jesus Christ intimately. Yet when He suddenly appears to you with totally unfamiliar characteristics, the only thing you can do is fall “at His feet as dead.” There are times when God cannot reveal Himself in any other way than in His majesty, and it is the awesomeness of the vision which brings you to the delight of despair. You experience this joy in hopelessness, realizing that if you are ever to be raised up it must be by the hand of God.

“He laid His right hand on me . . .” (Revelation 1:17). In the midst of the awesomeness, a touch comes, and you know it is the right hand of Jesus Christ. You know it is not the hand of restraint, correction, nor chastisement, but the right hand of the Everlasting Father. Whenever His hand is laid upon you, it gives inexpressible peace and comfort, and the sense that “underneath are the everlasting arms” (Deuteronomy 33:27), full of support, provision, comfort, and strength. And once His touch comes, nothing at all can throw you into fear again. In the midst of all His ascended glory, the Lord Jesus comes to speak to an insignificant disciple, saying, “Do not be afraid” (Revelation 1:17). His tenderness is inexpressibly sweet. Do I know Him like that?

Take a look at some of the things that cause despair. There is despair which has no delight, no limits whatsoever, and no hope of anything brighter. But the delight of despair comes when “I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells . . .” (Romans 7:18). I delight in knowing that there is something in me which must fall prostrate before God when He reveals Himself to me, and also in knowing that if I am ever to be raised up it must be by the hand of God. God can do nothing for me until I recognize the limits of what is humanly possible, allowing Him to do the impossible.

Aw stink, I can’t change the formatting now. Terrific.

Oh! Audrianna’s been keeping me accountable to get up earlier – and it’s AMAZING how quickly your body gets used to a sleeping habit! I’m already waking up at around 7 without the help of an alarm clock, which is…amazing for me, haha. It kinda stinks that I put this off till summer, though – this would have been the time that I could sleep in. SEE WHAT PROCRASTINATION GETS YOU, MELINDA!? SEE?! lol.

I’ve also been getting a lot of things done. I made a list a few weeks ago of things I wanted to get done during the summer – like packing up lots of my things in tubs, copying all the recipes I wanted, making an address book, finding bridesmaid dresses, etc etc etc. And I have EVERYTHING done except planning a Bridal Shower, which I’m pretty overwhelmed by. But I’m sure it’ll work out.

OH man, this is why I shouldn’t take time off from blogging…as soon as I start again, I ramble on and on…

Ok well, I’ve got to go. It’s amazing how tired traveling makes me. I mean, I slept a lot in the car…and all that seems to do is make me MORE tired. Go figure.

lindy

Just a quick post to see if this works.

Can’t believe I’m graduated! How crazy is that!

All day today I just had this crazy “free” feeling. I’m going to go to bed so I don’t ruin tomorrow :]

(The title of this blog is lyrics from three songs that I feel like right now. I do this a lot, if you haven’t noticed. Haha)

AH! I’m done with high school for….FOREVER.

Tomorrow I walk down the aisle to Pomp and Circumstance.

It doesn’t feel real. I was sitting up in the choir loft yesterday, surrounded by graduates, rehearsing…and…wow. I didn’t feel old. I didn’t feel ready to graduate, no great maturity or wisdom. I didn’t feel like I thought I would. I remember looking at the graduates six years ago when Kristin graduated, and just thinking how OLD they acted, looked, etc. It just seemed so foreign to me…so DIFFERENT. And it didn’t feel like I went through any great change since then.

But when I step back, sure, I’ve changed a lot since I was 12, haha. I remember thinking it was so embarrassing to go up there and get your diploma in front of everyone…and now I don’t care. I think I care a lot less about what people think now. I’m a lot more confident in who I am. At 12 I was a WRECK (aren’t we all at that age).

I never really thought past today, though. Never thought about my actual graduation, really. Definitely never thought PAST it. Or, to be more specific, I never thought about what it would feel like. I thought about what I would do, for sure. But not about how…it feel like everything is ending. I’m excited and ecstatic, for sure, but there’s such an empty feeling in it, too.

I’m going to Chicago, maybe soon. I know a few people there, but only people older than me. I don’t know if I’ll like it, and it will be out of my comfort zone. I don’t know if I’ll learn what I need to learn quickly. I don’t know if it will be too much for me. I don’t know if I’ll break. I’m not really sure if I’ll get homesick. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to keep in contact with my friends. I’m wondering if I’ll have problems with authorities, as it’s a pretty strict environment.

I have so many questions…

But it’s exciting, yes.

And tomorrow…I hope I don’t cry. I’ll be so mad at myself if I cry. But it might hit me.

This is the last string being cut from my childhood. I have no excuse anymore. I’m going out *into the world* now. Not that I’m never going to have any fun anymore, that’s not what I mean. But I have to act like an adult now. I have to be able to hold myself together…

Moving on. I’m getting tired of this nostalgia.

I still love Oswald Chambers and MUFHH. Sorry. Tired of spelling it out.

Here’s an amazing quote from it today:

“The real meaning of eternal life is a life that can face anything it has to face without wavering. If we will take this view, life will become one great romance— a glorious opportunity of seeing wonderful things all the time.”

If that doesn’t give you a surge of hope and excitement…I can’t think of anything that will.

…lindy

I had a MySpace ages ago. I deleted it quickly, I had no use for it. But recently I discovered that you could make playlists of songs on MySpace…and I’m hooked. I forgot how much I love discovering new music.

I’m reading The Other Side of the Sun by Madeline L’Engle, and it’s such a heavy read. I love it, but I get frustrated not understanding everything. I’m used to reading books that explain themselves to the average reader. Madeline L’Engle assumes that her readers are intelligent and have fabulous memories that remember detailed plots and characters. The seemingly insignificant facts are always important. Each sentence holds a secret. It’s wonderful and horribly annoying. I’m used to having it all spelled out for me. It’s good for analytical reading, but…it’s hard when I’m just reading it for fun. I have enough to read for assignments as it is…ah well. No going back now. There’s hardly a time when I can just abandon a book after begininng it.

There’s such a strong aura surrounding her books, too. Her style is so…unequivocal. (I googled for that word. Not that I didn’t know it…I just wouldn’t have landed on it, hah.) There’s a warm feeling to her words, a warm surrounded by cold – like being warm in a sleeping-bag while camping on a cold night. You know there’s potential dangers outside, but inside the (flimsy and fragile) tent you’re surrounded by friends or family, and warm in a big huddle.

Many of her books deal with the struggle between good and evil, and I always get that sleeping-bag feeling when reading. Her books just have the comfort of the tangy smell of a tent. You know what I’m talking about.

By the way, ‘sleeping-bag’ is a creative title. Someone worked hard on that idea.

HAHA! I just sat sat down really hard after fixing my hair, and the black leather pillow on my bed POPPED, and stuffing went flying! Funniest thing ever.

Anyway, I feel that Madeline L’Engle is wise (whether or not it’s true, I’ll have to wait until I myself am wise – hopefully that day will come, HAH), and she just touched on something in her book that I want to explore – she attacked the value of innocence. I’m not sure if she’s going to correct this stance, if it’s just a journey she wants us to take with the character, but it took me aback.

One of her character’s stances (a built up, wise-sounding character) is that she needs to put off her innocent preconceptions of the world in order to be a help-meet to her husband. She needs to accept that the world is evil, and that there will always be evil fighting good, and we should be…wise (sorry about the repeated use of that word!) about how we combat it.

I don’t think I’m explaining myself fully…but I need to get on with my day.

AH! Why are there suddenly so many things to talk about?!

…lindy

(*Swim for the music that saves you when you’re not so sure you’ll survive*)

Curled hair is amazing. I’m kind of over straight hair.

I just need to get better at curling FASTER. And more consistently, haha, cause right now it’s hit or miss.

I just realized how odd of a word get is.

Get. Get. Get. Get. HAH!

Sorry. I’m a bit…happy…today :]. AND BEFORE YOU GO ASKING, there’s no reason why. I just found some great music is all.

Tonight there’s a *Youth Fellowship* at the Simon’s house, which should be exciting. I love spending time with all those people. AH. Just great.

And then next week is EXCITING as it’s the last week of school, and then there’s GRADUATION and tons of Open Houses, and…SHOPPING. Hahha. And my new laptop is coming soon!!! AHH! And…and…so many good things are going to be happening.

I can’t wait for adult and youth volleyball…and Girls of Grace…and planning Kari’s wedding, and SEEING ETHAN! AHH! In October.

AND JUST SUMMER IN GENERAL.

SORRY FOR ALL THE CAPS! :]

Plus I’m reading an amazing book by Madeline L’Engle.

And My Upmost for His Highest is GREAT.

I have such a good life, no matter how much I may complain in this blog.

…lindy

All day I felt like I was forgetting something…I just realized what it was.

It FELT like I was forgetting to blog today – but of course, I don’t have to…

I don’t know how I feel about that.

So today I got a significant chuck of my fingertip sliced off, which was fun. I have to type very gingerly.

I was thinking today about trying to talk more specifically. Not to necessarily try to slip in big vocabulary words or anything like that, but just try to THINK about what I’m trying to say, and use the correct words for it, instead of stumbling around, thing to explain my thoughts. I tend to get so caught up in trying to express things QUICKLY instead of accurately. I feel the need to get it all out vs. explaining myself simply.

Oh, and I discovered today that some changes only require a motivation to change, and your subconscious will take care of the rest. For example: I was thinking recently about how I tend to step back and let other people take control of situations. I decided I was going to be more proactive about leading. I tend to be a follower. And this is fine, of course, for some situations – but it’s also necessary to KNOW how to lead. I’m not sure if I do.

And I’m talking about following my peers, not adults (I think generally it’s wise to follow them, haha), or kids (I’m usually pretty good about leading them). It’s easy to slip into peer-pressure that way. There’s nothing wrong about sticking up for your opinions or even wishes. Of course…you could step over the line into selfishness…I guess it’s a balance.

Everything is a balance.

But, about the subconscious taking over; today I was MUCH more like a leader. It was enjoyable. But I don’t want to over correct and start becoming bossy.

Great. Something else to try and keep in check.

I can’t believe I only have one week of school left. It doesn’t seem possible.

I don’t like it.

I was telling Jess today “Why am I JUST NOW beginning to LIKE learning?”

I’m reading these American History books that I’m just LOVING. It’s such a great refresher, and a reminder of all the people who’ve worked and fought for what I just take for granted today.

Crazy.

Wow. So much for not writing a blog every day.

…lindy

So now that I’m used to blogging…I CAN’T STOP!

First off, I MET A REAL LIFE NERDFIGHTER! Ok, I know you guys have no clue what that is, but just accept that IT WAS A BIG DEAL. I was standing in line at the library, and a girl next to me was asking “Do you have An Abundance of Katherines by John Green? I saw Paper Towns…but…” IMMEDIATELY my head turned. I contemplated asking, wheighing the odds…was it worth possibly sacrificing my reputation as…well, a SANE person?

Yes, yes it was.

“Excuse me…at the risk of sounding ridiculous, are you a Nerdfighter?”

There was a brief second where she just looked at me, and my heart went through my stomach. How in the WORLD was I going to explain this?

“Yes! Yes I am!”

I COULD’VE HUGGED HER RIGHT THEN AND THERE.

Amazing.

Second, I saw an old friend in Payless, and it was awkward, as always. Of COURSE I have to look my worst on the day I see someone I know. OF COURSE.

Thirdly, I took Kaylin to gymnastics today. It was the weirdest thing…sometimes when I’m with her, I SERIOUSLY think like a mom. I don’t even know exactly how to describe it. It just hits me how *special* being a mom will be. It kinda reminds me when I finally realized I didn’t just want to be in a dating type relationship, I wanted to be MARRIED. Ok, not now, and I don’t want kids right now…but I finally GOT it. I can’t describe it anymore than that.

Fourthly, Michael Scott just said “I’m not someone to be truffled with”.

OK, I’m done :]

…lindy