August 2009

So I had a drastically better day today, I’m sure you’ll be glad to hear.

Hopefully it will be a few weeks till I have another temper tantrum. ;]

As the title of this blog hints, I am LONGING for Christmas. This always happens at the end of Summer. I’m done with the heat, the swimming, too much free time (HAH), and general lackluster-ness (shush! I don’t care if that’s not what it’s supposed to mean, it SOUNDS right to me :P). Christmas is busy, everyone is more cheerful, and everything just seems to…sparkle. The snow sparkles, the decorations sparkle, and people…sparkle more (NO VAMPIRE JOKES).

I love the music, the fires in fireplaces, the warm sweaters, the SNOW, rosy cheeks, PRESENTS (be honest, you know you do too). I just can’t wait.

This doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy fall, I’m looking forward to that too…I simply tend to get ahead of myself. Ah well. Hot cider and rusty leaves are exciting too. I guess I can wait awhile for Christmas…



Sorry for my long rant. I’m not that angst-y most of the time…

Just happened to hit a nerve today.


I need to learn how to NOT take things so personally.


I didn’t have a good day today. Let’s just establish that fact right away.

Dentists are some of my least favorite people for many reasons.

1. Their overly-proud smiles of perfectly straight and white teeth. Just close your mouth. Please. Actually, this leads nicely into —

2. Their attempts at conversation. Look, I hate going to the dentist. When I am in that chair all I’m thinking about is how long it will be until I’m OUT of the chair. The last thing I want to do is have a conversation about what baby name is most popular this year, or how funny it is that my dad is an engineer and I hate math (actual topics brought up today whilst in chair). I don’t want to have to stop the whole process and answer a question. Talk with your assistant, sure…but leave me out of it. Get the job done, PLEASE.

3. The waiting…accompanied by *the sounds*. Seriously, could anything SOUND MORE SCARY? Whirring and buzzing and drilling and sucking — UGH. Way to set me at ease. And it doesn’t help that you always have —

4. The elevator music in the lobby. Enough said.

5. Then last, AND WORST, the comments on my appearance. I’ve gone to the same dentist pretty much my whole life, and nothing gives him more satisfaction than proving that he remembers each and every one of his patients. For the past five or so times I’ve been there he’s said things like “you are just growing up SO FAST”. And then there’s always that subtle hint that he remembers I’m “a homeschooler”.

But today, it was worse. Today, I stepped up to get my check-up and the dentist asked “Now how old are you?”. (side note: Now ALWAYS equals patronizing. Don’t try to defend it. It does.)
“Eighteen” I replied evenly. I know what’s coming.
“Now you’re kidding me. You look SO MUCH YOUNGER! Look at me again”
I turn to him, trying to peel the scowl off my face.
“No, I would have guessed much younger! Cathy, doesn’t she look younger than she is?”
“Let me see! OH my word, you do sweetheart! I would have never guessed you were 18.”
“You look like you’re still in high school! In fact, I thought you were about 15.”
This went on…and on. Even at the end of the appointment the receptionist said “I would have NEVER thought you were 18.” Lest you think I’m exaggerating to make a point, let me assure you that EACH AND EVERY ONE of the quotes I just wrote WERE SPOKEN ALOUD.
Let me ask a question I’ve asked several times in this blog. HOW the HECK am I expected to react to comments like this? Do people not understand that I’m dying to respond with “You know what, thanks. I really wanted to appear immature, uncoordinated and awkward. It’s great that you thought I didn’t look like an adult! I also love it when you point that out to my face. Repeatedly!” Because I would. Maybe. Instead I usually give a dry “Thanks.” and immediately get the response of:
“Oh, honey, you’ll LOVE to hear that when you’re my age.”
“Yes, when I’m old and decrepit like you, I would like to hear that. At the moment, however, I don’t want to be considered a child…” You get the picture.

To add insult to injury (or maybe that should be ‘to add injury to insult’?) I was told I have three cavities that need to be filled, and within the next couple of years I’ll have three more.


To be honest, at that point, I just wanted to go home and cry. Getting cavities seems to equal a shocking moral failure to some people. … and I guess I’m one of those people. I feel like I’m being judged for not being responsible, or something like that. Forgive me for not trying to be eloquent there…I don’t have the motivation.

No, right now I just want to curl up with a peperoni pizza, a big bowl of popcorn and about five episodes of Project Runway. The ultimate pity party. Chocolate milk sounds pretty good too.

Whatever, I’ll get over this. It’s not the end of the world. I’m just not looking forward to the stupid conversations, drilling, filling, and numbness that will be my next Thursday.

The only thing that gets me through things like that is knowing that it WILL be over. It doesn’t last forever. 1hr and 15min is something I can get through. And then it will be done, and I’ll never have to do it again. At least that’s what I tell myself. This time it’s going to be a little bit different —

Dentist: with an over-sympathetic smile “Yes it’s too late, you’ll have to have those three filled eventually as well.”

No one should get that much joy over spreading anti-Christmas cheer. Because cavities are the opposite of Christmas cheer.

Ok this is getting ridiculous. I’ve got to go eat something :P


So recently I’ve been having strange, reoccurring dreams about being late. For example, I dreamed I forgot to go to church early for a rehearsal with Sierra on Sunday. From that point on, I felt a grip of panic every single time I thought about it. I was absolutely certain I would:

A. Forget about it
B. Some horrible natural disaster would happen and prevent me from getting there (flood, tornado, freak blizzard…)
C. The car would run out of gas
D. Sierra would forget, and we wouldn’t be prepared for the performance

There’s something about emotions in dreams that has always puzzled me. It’s always different for me. Sometimes it’s normal and I’ll react to things like I would any other day. Other times, it’s as if I don’t even care, nothing phases me. And then there are the dreams where I’ll wake up sobbing and just can’t stop — even after I realize it wasn’t real. These dreams are like that last one. Just an irrational fear that somehow I won’t meet expectations.

I think that’s been a problem of mine for a long time, though. I’m a die-hard people-pleaser. It literally PAINS me to say “no” to someone. I cry if I get yelled at. I sometimes compromise who I am in order to make people feel comfortable, or even just to feel like I fit in.

I’m not proud of that. Ultimately, it’s only God that I should be trying to please. If I’m bending over backwards to maintain a reputation, or merely because I want people to like me, then it can only mean I have wrong motivations. I can’t remember where the reference is, but there’s a verse that says “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men” SO FAR AS IT DEPENDS ON YOU. But the fact is, you can never make everyone happy. Some people are just determined to be annoyed. More on that some other time. But anyway, I’ve got to learn how to make the RIGHT people happy.

On a mildly related note, this lyric just DAZZLES me — “my self-worth measured in text-back tempo…it’s two days and eight minutes too slow” Imogen Heap is…AMAZING. It’s totally true, I sometimes evaluate how much people like me based on how fast they “text back” or call back…or facebook back.

Ok, I’m done rambling…

By the way…while you’re *here*, send up a quick prayer for me. I’m at a bit of a low point right now, trying to figure out, well, what I’m supposed to do with my life.

Love to all of you — thanks for taking the time to read my ridiculous ramblings ;]


Don’t use words too big for the subject. Don’t say “infinitely” when you mean “very”; otherwise you’ll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.

Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it.

Literature adds to reality, it does not simply describe it. It enriches the necessary competencies that daily life requires and provides; and in this respect, it irrigates the deserts that our lives have already become.

We are what we believe we are.

–C.S. Lewis


I have yet to hear an Owl City song that I don’t like. Adam Young, the one-man-band is my new favorite. There’s something about electropop bands that just makes me happy.

Audrianna and I were talking about that particular song, Fireflies, on Saturday night, and she suggested that it’s kind of a “goodbye to Summer” song, and I completely agree.

I’m still not entirely sure what it means, haha, but Adam Young professes to be a strong Christian, so I think it might have something to do with how majestic and even comforting God’s creation is. He created these amazing little bugs that wink a constant reminder of “I love you”. Or maybe that’s just an incredibly cheesy forced Christian outlook on the song. Whatever, haha.

Regardless of all that, the song really captures the essence of a perfect Summer night…and man…it makes me cringe at how few nights I’ve spent outside within the past few months…

You Would Not Believe Your Eyes
If Ten Million Fireflies
Light Up The World As I Fell Asleep
Cause They Fill The Open Air
And Leave Teardrops Everywhere
You’d Think me Rude
But I Wouuld Just Stand And stare
I’d Like To make Myself Believe That Planet earth Turns Slowly
It’s Hard To Say That I’d Rather Stay Awake When I’m Asleep
Cause Everything Is Never As It Seems

Cause I’d Get A Thousand Hugs
From Ten Thousand Lightning Bugs
As They Tried To Teach Me How To Dance
A Foxtrot Above My head
A Sockhop Beneath My Bed
A Disco Ball Is Just hanging By A thread
I’d Like To make Myself Believe That Planet earth Turns Slowly
It’s Hard To Say That I’d Rather Stay Awake When I’m Asleep
Cause Everything Is Never As It Seems
When I Fall Asleep
Leave My Door Open Just A crack
Please Take Me Away From Here
Cause I Feel Like Such An Insomniac
Please Take Me Away From Here
Why Do I Tire Of Counting Sheep
Please Take Me Away From Here
When I’m far Too Tired To Fall Asleep
To Ten Million Fireflies
I’m Weird Cause I Hate Goodbyes
I Got Misty Eyes As They Said Farewell
But I’ll Know Where Several Are
If My Dreams Get Real Bizzare
Cause I Saved A Few And I Keep Them In A Jar
I’d Like To make Myself Believe That Planet earth Turns Slowly
It’s Hard To Say That I’d Rather Stay Awake When I’m Asleep
Cause Everything Is Never As It Seems
When I Fall Asleep
I’d Like To make Myself Believe That Planet earth Turns Slowly
It’s Hard To Say That I’d Rather Stay Awake When I’m Asleep
Cause Everything Is Never As It Seems
When I Fall Asleep
I’d Like To make Myself Believe That Planet earth Turns Slowly
It’s Hard To Say I’d Rather Stay Awake When I’m Asleep
Because My Dreams Are Bursting At The Seams


Cool breeze, blue skies, puffy clouds, an abundance of sun — this is MY KIND of weather. That and its been raining for the past few days, and I love that too – but then to have the week end with a GLORIOUS day like this…it’s just….wow. Breathtaking. This is the view out my window, RIGHT NOW. (sorry, I have the screen on my window so I couldn’t get a great shot…but hey, you get the idea) (OH, and it’s impossible to get the pics aligned how I want to, so just DEAL with the offcenteredness/awkwardness of the layout, haha)

It makes me so HAPPY, though. It’s such Fall weather, actually. I’m sure I’ve talked about it before, but there’s something about the changing of the Seasons that just….exhilarates me. Sorry for the pretentious word, but it’s the only one that describes it, haha.

To top off my perfect day, I’m listening to this song:

“Could you care for a cunning cottage we could share?” There’s something about the old jazz standards that just makes me HAPPY. It’s also perfect Fall music.

Anyway, I don’t have any clever thoughts, ranting, raving, or anything of importance to share, I just thought while I was in the mood, I’d blog a bit :P


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