So recently I’ve been having strange, reoccurring dreams about being late. For example, I dreamed I forgot to go to church early for a rehearsal with Sierra on Sunday. From that point on, I felt a grip of panic every single time I thought about it. I was absolutely certain I would:

A. Forget about it
B. Some horrible natural disaster would happen and prevent me from getting there (flood, tornado, freak blizzard…)
C. The car would run out of gas
D. Sierra would forget, and we wouldn’t be prepared for the performance

There’s something about emotions in dreams that has always puzzled me. It’s always different for me. Sometimes it’s normal and I’ll react to things like I would any other day. Other times, it’s as if I don’t even care, nothing phases me. And then there are the dreams where I’ll wake up sobbing and just can’t stop — even after I realize it wasn’t real. These dreams are like that last one. Just an irrational fear that somehow I won’t meet expectations.

I think that’s been a problem of mine for a long time, though. I’m a die-hard people-pleaser. It literally PAINS me to say “no” to someone. I cry if I get yelled at. I sometimes compromise who I am in order to make people feel comfortable, or even just to feel like I fit in.

I’m not proud of that. Ultimately, it’s only God that I should be trying to please. If I’m bending over backwards to maintain a reputation, or merely because I want people to like me, then it can only mean I have wrong motivations. I can’t remember where the reference is, but there’s a verse that says “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men” SO FAR AS IT DEPENDS ON YOU. But the fact is, you can never make everyone happy. Some people are just determined to be annoyed. More on that some other time. But anyway, I’ve got to learn how to make the RIGHT people happy.

On a mildly related note, this lyric just DAZZLES me — “my self-worth measured in text-back tempo…it’s two days and eight minutes too slow” Imogen Heap is…AMAZING. It’s totally true, I sometimes evaluate how much people like me based on how fast they “text back” or call back…or facebook back.

Ok, I’m done rambling…

By the way…while you’re *here*, send up a quick prayer for me. I’m at a bit of a low point right now, trying to figure out, well, what I’m supposed to do with my life.

Love to all of you — thanks for taking the time to read my ridiculous ramblings ;]