November 2009

Would it annoy anyone if I moved to wordpress? Thinkin about it…



A few days ago, a dear friend and I (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, lol) got into a friendly argument about whether or not the poet Emily Dickinson was…loony. Haha.

She asked me if I’d read her biography, and I admitted that I’d never read a book about her (though I’m still not sure if that’s what she meant, or if she just meant a short bio about her life). Well, I still haven’t read an entire book, but I did some more researching (hush! it counts!), and I feel like I understand her and her work so much better now.

It’s interesting to me that certain people are given the constitution to bear “The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune”, and heal emotionally against the odds. Others, however, are crushed, only to go through the motions of life while always dwelling morbidly on death.

I couldn’t find any clear statement about whether or not Emily Dickinson, who appears to be in the latter group, was a Christian. Supposedly there was a point in time when she made a confession of faith at a revival, but “nothing came of it”? I’d like to research that more, but it’s strange that she would be so obsessed with death if she was a Christian. Having the hope and assurance of what happens after death should give one peace about it.

Still, it’s understandable that death occupied Ms. Dickinson’s mind so frequently, seeing as many of her loved ones died. I wonder how I would react to a life full of tragedies like hers. My 18 years have held few heartaches.

I’m sorry that when I blog like this, I don’t have my mind wrapped around everything. I’d love to have something clear and concise to share, but I use this blog to help me work through things in a somewhat logical way. It forces me to lay out my thoughts instead of just grasping at unformed bits and pieces until I get bored and move on to something less intellectually stressful, haha. Still, I never seem to come to any conclusion, or fully claim one side as my own.

Blah. Enough of this.

I’m super happy about being done with NaNo, although I’m horribly dissatisfied about the ending of my “novel”. That’s alright though, I can always edit it later. The point is that I finished. :]

Currently have a cold. Ugh. Colds are so frustrating. Usually, I don’t feel bad enough to want to stop doing things, but I don’t want to be a Typhoid Mary and spread it around everywhere, so I stay home. Sigh.

Loving Megan Spilker’s blog, as always. My ultimate role model, I think. Check her blog out, she’s so perfectly lovely!




…and the wind will sweep you away…

I’ve had a strange couple of days, to be honest. Someone said something (don’t worry, it’s not anyone who reads that blog!) that just sort of put me in a…funk.

I’m not angry at this person and I’m not really hurt, it was just sort of like a slap in the face. It wasn’t meant to be mean, nor was it something that would be hurtful to anyone else, really — it just wasn’t what I wanted to hear at the time.

I’ve also had a bit of a strangled (can I use that word for it?) relationship with God lately. I think I’m not alone when I feel some terror about saying that around Christians. It’s like it’s not ok to go through times of…spiritual valleys. It isn’t that I don’t trust God, and it’s not that I’m not still waiting on Him, it’s just been dry for awhile now. It’s the most frustrating thing, though, when you pick up the Bible, or you try to pray, and it just feels…wrong. Like there’s something in the way. And there probably is. Just about 100% of the time when we feel far away from God, it’s our fault, and I know that. But when you’ve been in a spiritual desert for a long time, you get used to being parched, and you forget that there’s a well of fresh water right in front of you.

It’s like when you’re in your room, and the natural light coming in from your windows is plenty to see by, but then the sun goes down. You don’t realize how dark it is until all of a sudden someone comes into your room and flips on the light. Do you know what I’m talking about? That moment of — “Oh! I can see!”. Haha. Or, if you’re like me, and have bad eyesight, it’s like when you’ve gone for a long time without updating your prescription. You don’t really realize what you’re missing, you don’t realize that everything is gradually getting blurry. But then as soon as you get those new glasses/contacts and every detail just leaps out at you, you realize that “i was blind, but now I see!”.

I need some more light. I need a new “prescription” or shall we say perspective. We — I need a spiritual revival more than I’d care to admit.

I think it’s hard for us to admit that. I think it’s hard to admit that God is working in us, that we’re not perfect, that we still struggle. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one, and I’m sure you’ve had moments like that too. But you’re not alone!

You know what reassures me?

Abraham was a liar.
David was a murder and an adulterer.
Peter denied Jesus.
Paul was a murderer.

The freeing thing is that we are NO LONGER slaves unto sin, we are slaves unto righteousness! We HAVE been set free from sin. When will we start living like that? Do you ever feel the dread of “what will I do next”? Or “when will I commit this sin again, cause it’s just a matter of time”? We can’t think like that! We have been SET FREE. Sin has no more right to us! Satan has no authority over us! Temptation has no power — we have been bought with a price, redeemed by His blood! Do not let sin reign in your mortal body.

Let’s set things into perspective real fast.

You will die.

You are GOING to die.

What we call “life”, a mere wisp of fog when compared to eternity, is about glorifying Him by enjoying Him forever.

Forget your drama. Forget your angst.

Do those things affect us? YES. But take it to God! He can fix it!

Sigh. Remember, I’m preaching to myself here, so if I sound like I’m on a soapbox, it’s only because it’s what I myself need to hear, and I’m trying to pound it into my THICK SKULL.

I’m sorry for the disjointedness. It’s been a long day. Not a bad one, just long, and tomorrow promises to be more of the same.

Goodnight, dears. Sweet dreams :]


   NaNoWriMo began abysmally, but today I’ve been catching up.

  I’ve literally written ALL DAY. It was ridiculously slow going at first, but I’m finally starting to hit my stride.

   I love NaNo because it allows me to write horribly alliterated sentences like this:

Occasionally she would pound the pianoforte as she passed it in the parlor, preferring the low notes as they fit perfectly within the mood of her pacing.”

Isn’t it dreadful?

I love it.

I’m listening to some beautiful piano music as I write — this one is breathtaking: