Last night I had an internal struggle. One I’m not exactly proud of. It went something like this:

New Lindy: “I haven’t had my devotion today!! I’d better do that before I go to sleep!”
Old Lindy: “NO. I’m tired. I probably wouldn’t get anything from it anyway.”
New Lindy: “That’s ridiculous. You always think you won’t enjoy it, but when you fight through that, you love it!”
OL: “WELL I DON’T WANT TO TONIGHT, OK??” (OL can be very stubborn…and stupid)
NL: “You know you’ll feel dry and weak if you don’t.”
OL: “DRY? What the heck. I’ll be fine. I know what the Bible says, anyway.”
NL: “WHOA, whoa! Do I sense some PRIDE?”
OL: “Whatever…I’ve been reading the Bible for ages.”
NL: “Ok, not even going to address that, because I KNOW you’re just being belligerent.”
OL: “Oooo, look at you, using big words. I’M NOT SCARED OF YOU.”
NL: “JUST READ IT. You’ll be glad you did!!”
OL: “I WANT TO SLEEP.”
NL: “DO IT!”
OL: “NO!”
NL: “DOOO IT!!!!”
OL: “NOOOOOOOOO!!!”

*Etc.*

Eventually, my “New Self” won out, thank goodness, and you know what? Last night I got an entirely different view of God, one I’d never understood before! It was amazing! I was just lying there after I finished reading in Hebrews and I felt….ashamed.

Why, WHY, after all these years of being a Christian do I still doubt the power of God’s Word? Why do I still struggle with a desire to read the Bible? Why do I forget that every time it’s NEW and FRESH? Every, every time I fight through my laziness I’m glad I did! I have to say, I’m one of the slowest learners in the world. I am so stubborn. My stupid pride still gets the best of me WAY TOO OFTEN.

And why do I doubt the power of prayer? And the peace that comes when I pray? When I’m in His presence, I find the fullness of joy. Why do I forget the beauty of the gospel? The simplicity of this life? To love Him, to glorify Him?

I really am ignorant. I’m the worst kind of ignorant, because I don’t know that I don’t know. Whenever I learn something new from God, I’m sort of…shocked. And humbled that I never knew!

Guys, the closer I get to God, the more I realize how proud and self-centered I am. The more I realize how…FALLEN I am.

Pastor’s message last Sunday really encouraged me, though. We have everything we need to win ANY battle we face, because we have the encouragement of the Holy Spirit, Jesus’ righteousness making us holy, and God’s power to defeat ANYTHING. Why do we fear? Why do we doubt? Why don’t we ever go out on a limb and trust that He will prove himself? I never take risks based on my faith in God.

My faith is so…weak.

Lord, save me from myself!

…lindy

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